Half my head is filled with concrete when I get stressed. I used to think that it was a headache caused by stress and not the stress that was causing it. In fact, the right side of my body is filled with concrete when I am stressed out. I used to believe that I had chronic back pain. It was the stress that caused the back pain and not the other way around. I used to think that my right molars were causing me pain and I needed them removed. What is this pain? Stress, that’s the pain.
Wrong. I was causing my own pain. The pain was me. Me inside my body. Another me, made of concrete, weighing it down, holding it back. The 11 year old me that could not get past being refused what I wanted; not answering the call of my own desires; believing that I did not deserve what I myself knew I wanted but denied. The tooth pain? That is me. The thigh pain, that was the concrete filling up my leg but is me. I am refused what I want by myself and then the concrete gets heavier because it has to defend itself.
Where’s the threat? It’s to my safety. Somewhere back there I got refused something. Did something I was not supposed to do. Showed too much of my real self and got burned. The reaction? Withdraw, defend, build more concrete, that weighs me down. It holds me back and weighs a tonne. The best thing about this is that the concrete gives me safety. It is a nice concrete, it makes me feel good because I knew I was right all along for not asking outwardly what I wanted in the first place. I can feel the concrete inside my head, right up my nose on the inside. I need to pull it out to become better. Pull it out in one violent burst. Extract it and I’ll be better. But it IS me. If I take this out I will not be entirely me again. I cause myself pain that I gain comfort from that I want to extract so the pain goes away.