In the long journey that I am taking toward some degree of inner calm, among the many sessions of tears and frightening honesty with myself, something remains unexplored. People say that you have one life and so live every moment like your last. (Suffering in pain on a bed surrounded by your closest??) People also say things like ‘live in the moment’. It’s a difficult one for me: to live in the moment.
I worry about what is to come, what’s around the corner and will I be able to control it? Not knowing what’s next is one of the few things that really frightens me. Perhaps it is an upbringing at a time when Big Ron (not that one) could have brought about nuclear Armageddon or maybe it is because I never got any communication other than (perceived any other than?) disapprobation from my parents I don’t know but this week’s session on the couch has shown me one thing. I don’t like not knowing what is next. The defences go up and I stop listening. If the unexpected happens my ears fill up with raging blood, I stop listening to people, assume there is a problem that has to be resolved and start an internal dialogue that usually begins with “what can I do to make this person happier?”.
A friend at work told me that Christians have a ‘sacrament of the present moment’ and that this is something to cultivate within oneself if you are to find grace. What about stepping into the fast-moving river though? It’s never the same twice you know.